It's been over four years since I last felt the need to put finger to keyboard to express myself. Back then, I felt I needed to validate why I was the way I was. I feel that time has come again.
After my recent health diagnosis, I've had to make substantial changes to my life, the largest of which is essentially ridding myself of my long time friend, alcohol.
A result of that has been an increase in my anxiety which manifests itself in many ways. Bianca and I have been in social situations of late where those present will ask Bianca if everything is ok with me, or that I'm being very quiet - am I alright?
No, I'm not.
These same people are the very ones who only saw me during the height of my alcoholic induced confidence, and would say (generally) how fun I was, or that I was in good form. Those days of good form are gone, for now, and maybe permanently.
What I want you to understand is that I don't choose to be this way. I've been to numerous psychiatrists over the years, had different medications, tried different ways of dealing with my insecurities, and nothing worked like a few beers under my belt to take the edge off. So now, here I am, this is me, my flaws and insecurities laid bare for you all to see. I can't mask them anymore.
I don't like who I am when I'm not drinking, I come off as rude and disengaged, and that probably isn't far from the truth. I don't have the confidence to communicate with people. It doesn't matter if it is someone I've known for years, even Bianca's friends who I have known for nearly 15 years I get anxious around.
So why's it happen, and what happens? If you haven't experienced anxiety you don't get it. It's very easy for others to express sympathy for someone else who is/has cancer, for someone who is blind, because it is physically visible. Mental illness however, you don't have any (generally) visible signs. You can't explain what's going on in your head. And when you do attempt to, people don't get it. I've been told "I just don't get it." And with that, comes less sympathy.
Last weekend we went to Chadstone, as I've lost a fair bit of weight, I wasn't comfortable in the clothes I was wearing, they weren't sitting right, they were too baggy and I looked ridiculous. When we got there, I found people kept looking at me. I was sure they were looking at me. I'd get eye contact then a smile, then they'd whisper to their friend who'd smile as well. Were they laughing at me? They were, I was sure of it. Everywhere I looked people were judging my appearance, I felt like I was back in the school yard being laughed at for dropping a catch in cricket, I was the centre of attention that I so desperately didn't want to be. I felt I looked ridiculous in my clothing, so everyone else must have been seeing the same thing. I felt overwhelmed, I felt like the air was becoming heavy and hard to breathe. I needed to get out of there, I needed to get home, away from their judgmental stares and laughter.
It's no different to being in a social situation. Everyone experiences some kind of feeling towards a social situation, maybe it is the host worrying about what they've cooked for their guests, or a parent worrying that their child will misbehave. I had a social situation recently where I knew people would notice my weight loss and ask why I wasn't drinking. Questions I didn't want to answer, questions that drew attention to me. So I spent the weeks before hand running through scenarios in my mind, working my self up to a state where I felt physically ill on the car trip in. My stomach was in knots, similar to the butterflies you get when you first fall in love (there's something relatable to sympathise with). Then it happens...
"Can I get you a beer?"
"No I'm good"
"Oh, you're not drinking?"
"No, not at the moment"
Then my mind ticks over, when will they ask why I'm not drinking? Are they trying to work out why? What will happen when they realise I'm a bore and can't communicate without alcohol?
What I find most troublesome is having to have Bianca cover for me because I'm not in a stable enough head place to deal with it. Whether that means I don't want to go to some social gathering and she has to lie and say I'm not well, or that I'm working. Or whether at the social event itself, I'm being reclusive and aloof due to the gnawing self doubt and confidence lacking from my very core, and Bianca is asked why I'm being quiet - only to respond I'm not feeling well.
She shouldn't have to cover for me, nor should I feel inferior or guilty of my over powering anxiety. I didn't ask for this, I didn't ask to have these head problems.
Quite often I'll accept an invite to a social event, because 6 weeks before the event proper, it seems like a good idea. Then as the date gets closer...
Will I get there in time?
Will I find a park?
Will there be something on the menu I can eat?
Will the people who I'm going with think I'm a burden?
Will my social ineptness make people judge me?
Will I come off as awkward?
The closer it gets to the date, the more I think of excuses to get out of it, and generally speaking, I get out of it. I'll work myself up mentally into such a state that everything I think that can go wrong, I envision going wrong.
It even gets so bad that if there's a birthday celebration at work, being in a room with 20 people, all talking and laughing, it becomes too much. I'll find a reason to excuse myself, the phone will ring, I'll need a bathroom break. It is literally suffocating.
Some people can't understand the sudden spikes in my moods, like a roller coaster I move from high points to low points in the blink of an eye, no matter how inconsequential the comment or act may seem, it can be enough to put me in a state of anxiety that has me withdrawing behind my walls for a time, a long time.
I am frustrating, I am infuriating, I am agonising, and I am exhausting. My experiences and struggles are part of me, for better or worse. I have friends and family who don't understand, think it is something I can just snap out of. I have friends and family who want to understand, but can't. And I have a few who do get it.
I'm sorry to all those I've let down, pushed away and lost over the years, because I am complex, and I don't want to have to hide who I am anymore. I want to be able to say, "you know what, I'm having a bad day and I just can't make it, I'm sorry" not have to make up an excuse.
Where's my head at? I don't know, and I'm not sure I will, but I want to thank the special few, friends old and new, who understand, or who are trying to understand.
Ultimately if you read this and still don't understand, then just click the unfriend button, because I am who I am. I love my family and friends, I care about them, I'm loyal to them and I respect them. I only hope that you still see me the same, and get it when I'm quiet, or don't make an event.
No comments:
Post a Comment